RWBY Box O' Stuff
by ShinAyasaki
Summary: Warning: Box may contain crack, bad parodies, occasional giggles, and the ramblings of a fanfic reader. Open Box at own risk! Current Story: Ren's Award - Ozpin presents Ren with a prestigious yet unusual hunter award.
1. RWBY Volume One Abridged

**RWBY Volume One Abridged:**

The series starts off with a group of thugs trying to rob Ruby for something, probably money but who cares, it builds dramatic tension. Ruby fights them off and, regardless of whether or not he's actually there, tears Roman a new one.

She goes to Beacon where she bumps into Weiss and pisses her off royally.

As Weiss goes on a rant, Blake steps in and dresses her down both figuratively and literally, Yang popping in to watch with extreme interest before they all go into the forest to search for their soulmates. Ruby and Weiss find each other and Blake and Yang find each other, then they fight Big Bird.

They kill Big Bird, and all of Vale's orphans are treated to a luxurious turkey dinner. At least, that was the plan before Nora opened her mouth and sucked down the dead bird like a vacuum cleaner on steroids before the orphans' sad little eyes.

Weiss goes to Ozpin and says she wants another partner. Ozpin says, "Sorry, but finders keepers applies. Come on Weiss, don't be a bitch."

Weiss replies, "I'll think about it." Weiss makes the Oreimo pose to convey her tsundere-ness.

Team RWBY goes to their room and vote on whether or not they want bunk beds. After she loses, Weiss demands a recount. They build their bunk beds in a montage scene with the music from the A-Team playing in the background. They all find Blake's porn stash and start reading. ("Hey Blake, why do all the girls in these have either white, blonde, or rubylicious hair?" "No reason!")

They all go to class where Weiss volunteers to skewer a boar, Ruby shouting advice from the peanut gallery. ("Weiss! Stab it with the pointy end!")

After class, Weiss goes to Port and says she doesn't like her team. Port says, "Sorry, but you can't trade people like Pokémon. Come on Weiss, don't be a bitch."

Weiss replies, "I'll think about it." Weiss makes the Oreimo pose to convey her tsundere-ness.

They all go to Atlas, or Mistral, or whatever the heck that foreign place is via airship, where they meet Sun, the Faunus thief. Weiss immediately dislikes him. "That guy is probably evil and will join the even eviler White Fang!" she declares.

To which Blake flips her shit and responds: "Oh hell no! You do not get to talk shit about MY people-! I mean, THOSE people… any more than I get to talk shit about YOUR people-! I mean, OUR people! The Faunus are a strong, independent race, and they do not need to take your judgment any more than Yang needs a vasectomy!" ("Why me?!" cries Yang.) Blake finishes her argument with an obnoxious z-snap.

Weiss stares at her deadpan for a moment before she says, "Stop trying to defend a terrorist organization. Come on Blake, don't be a bitch."

Blake replies, "I'll think about it." Blake makes the Oreimo pose to convey her tsundere-ness.

Ruby gets lost and meets Penny, then finds Roman leading some people in another robbery. She tries to GTFO but before she can, Roman shoots her. Penny flips her shit and tears Roman a new one. ("I now have _three_ assholes!" Roman cries before almost dying.)

Blake's in trouble or something and only Weiss can save her. Blake's faith in Weiss is so nonexistent that she is flummoxed when Weiss lends a helping hand. She grabs it, staring deeply into Weiss' eyes, and the two affirm their relationship amidst burning fires of passion…or flammable Dust, who knows. Throughout this scene, suggestive music plays, reminiscent of a cheesy porn flick or the Yugioh Abridged movie. ("You can be my wingwoman any day, Blake." "No Weiss, you can be mine.")

And a lot of other stuff happens, but throughout this pathetic excuse for a RWBY timeline, who really knows when? For example…

.

Jaune likes Weiss and asks her out. Weiss says, "Jaune, it is painfully, agonizingly obvious that I'm a lesbian. And I know you know this. Come on Jaune, don't be a bitch."

Jaune replies, "I'm too stupid to think about it." Jaune drools to convey his stupidity.

.

Yang approaches Pyrrha with an offer. "Hey Pyrrha! Wanna have a threesome with me and Blake?"

Pyrrha is shocked. Not horrified, just shocked. "But I like Jaune for some reason!"

Yang shrugs. "'Kay. See ya!" Yang runs off to be with Blake.

.

Roman meets Adam. Roman says, "I've always wanted to ride a bull…" Adam tears Roman a new one.

.

Ozpin considers his furniture, namely his phallus-shaped chair. He asks, "Does it bother anyone that I'm sitting on a massive penis?"

"Does it fit?" asks Glynda.

Ozpin considers. "Yes," he replies, "Yes it does."

.

Yang approaches Pyrrha with an offer. "Hey Pyrrha! Wanna have a foursome with me, Blake, and Weiss?"

Pyrrha is shocked. Not as shocked as last time, but still shocked. "But I like Jaune for some reason!"

Yang shrugs. "'Kay. See ya!" Yang runs off to be with Blake and Weiss.

.

Ren and Nora are dating. … No, there's no joke, they're just dating.

.

Everyone finds out what an asshole Cardin is, so Ozpin sacrifices him to Cthulhu to appease the dark one's insatiable appetite for the next thousand years. No one misses him, not even his team. Actually, they work better without him, especially now that Team CRDL is being led by _the_ Cthulhu.

.

Cinder Fall lives up to her name. Yang lights her on fire and punches her off a building.

.

Yang approaches Pyrrha with an offer. "Hey Pyrrha! Wanna have an orgy with me, Blake, Weiss, and Ruby?"

Pyrrha blinks. At this point, this was practically expected. "But…I like Jaune for some reason…"

Yang shrugs. "'Kay. See ya!" Yang runs off to be with Blake, Weiss, and Ruby.

Pyrrha looks at Jaune, drooling in the corner. "Wait Yang!" she shouts, running after her, "Save me from this hell!"

.

Eventually, Weiss gets her own spinoff called "My Little Heiress Can't Be This Cute!"

As soon as her Faunus heritage is uncovered, Blake debuts with "My Little Pussy Can't Be This Cute!"

Both shows do much to bridge the gap between human and Faunus relations, and soon, world peace reigns on Remnant.

* * *

 **AN: I have never seen RWBY before. All my knowledge of what happens comes from other fanfics on this site, and the occasional rant from a friend, so if something seems off, now you know why. :P**


	2. The Start of Something Beautiful, Maybe

**The Start of Something Beautiful...Maybe**

If there was one thing Yang Xiao Long was known for, it was her patience.

…Well, perhaps it would be more accurate to say her lack thereof. Either way, Yang was gradually losing her patience with a certain someone, namely a certain white-haired heiress teammate of hers. Yes, the person making Yang all hot and bothered was none other than the lovely yet distant Weiss Schnee. But it wasn't just her that Weiss was discomforting; Ruby and Blake were also feeling the strain the heiress had been putting on their team dynamic.

It wasn't necessarily the girl's attitude, though her clipped no-nonsense responses and occasional scathing reprimands weren't exactly helping the issue. No, it was the simple fact that Weiss seemed to genuinely dislike any sort of extended contact with her teammates, often going out of her way to avoid the three of them, even in the comfort of their own room. For her part, Yang wasn't quite sure what she had done to trigger this behavior, and she couldn't fathom anything Ruby could have done either. Blake, she wasn't so sure about, but it didn't seem likely.

So, she'd had a discussion with the two teammates that she could hold a conversation with. At meeting's end, Ruby announced that they would stage an intervention.

* * *

After another late night study session at the library, Weiss slipped into the room she shared with her teammates, taking care not to touch the light switch. At this time, the others were all asleep, and she could go through her evening routine in peace as per her usual.

But of course, such routine would be far too dull for this type of story, and as she stepped into the center of the room Weiss let out a loud squeak of surprise as the lights suddenly flipped on, her head whipping around to see Blake's hand on the switch.

"Hello Weiss," she purred.

Weiss gulped. "Hi… Um… I'd love to chat, but I need to use the restroom so if you'll excuse me-"

"Occupied!" called Yang, stepping out of the adjoining bathroom, arms crossed as she leaned against the door frame, blocking entrance. "Sorry Princess."

"Oh! Well…" Weiss forced herself to turn around nonchalantly. "Never mind. It's not that important anyways… I guess I'll just go to sleep then…"

"Not a chance!" cried Ruby as she burst forth from under Weiss' blankets.

Weiss gaped. "You were in my bed?!" she cried in incredulous anger. "We had an agreement that you wouldn't do that!"

"Desperate times call for desperate measures," said Ruby sagely as she stood, walking towards Weiss.

"And these are most certainly desperate times," added Blake, also starting to saunter towards the heiress.

"Desperate? What's there to be desperate about?!" exclaimed Weiss as she started backing away from her advancing teammates.

"Well," replied Yang, also closing in on the fencer, "That's what we're going to find out."

The three teammates crept closer and closer, Weiss turning her head this way and that trying to find a way to escape their clutches. Their gazes bore into her, sending shivers down her spine as her breathing began picking up. "Hey, come on now, this isn't funny!" she pleaded, gulping anxiously.

"You know what's also not funny?" asked Blake.

"How you've been avoiding us ever since we were made a team!" answered Ruby as the girls finished their iron curtain.

Weiss's face was a sea of hot red, and she flitted left and right, searching for an exit that wasn't there. "Th-that's not true!" she denied, "I haven't been avoiding any of you! Nope! Not at all! Not even once!"

Yang clicked her tongue in disapproval. "Didn't anyone ever tell you it's impolite to lie?"

"I'm not lying!" lied the heiress.

"Oh really?" started Blake, "How about last Tuesday when you ran off after lecture after I asked if you wanted to study together?"

"I had a very important appointment I had to get to!" Weiss explained frantically.

"Or what about when I called out to you at the cafeteria on Friday and you ducked under a table?" asked Yang.

"I dropped an earring!" defended Weiss, even though they all knew she didn't wear earrings.

"Well how about when I wanted to walk home with you from class but you ran off saying about how you wanted to be with, of all people, _Jaune_?" demanded Ruby. All four teammates shuddered at the thought of that… person…

"I…" Weiss's mind worked on overtime to crank out an excuse, but eventually… "Yeah, I can't lie my way out of that one."

"No one can," added Yang, partially to make her feel better and partially because it was true.

"Face it Weiss; you've been avoiding us, we know you've been avoiding us, and now we want to know why," summarized Ruby, taking on the mantle of a good leader. "So…why?"

Weiss sighed in defeat, and she fell to her knees dramatically, the other three backing off to give her space. "…Do you really want to know?"

"Yes," said Ruby, Blake, and Yang.

"Do you really, really want to know?"

"Yes!" cried Ruby, Blake, and Yang.

"Are you absolutely sure you want to know why I, Weiss Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing Schnee, have been avoiding you all, with the knowledge that once you know you cannot unknow?"

"YES!" chorused RBY.

"It's… It's…!"

Ruby, Blake, and Yang all waited with baited breath.

"It's because this team is the perfect embodiment of all my sexual fetishes!"

Silence reigned for several seconds, before in perfect unison, RBY suddenly screamed.

"…WHAT?!"

"Is it really so difficult to see?" asked Weiss, suddenly popping up off the floor with newly uncovered passion filling her every fiber.

"Ruby…!" she began, gently bringing a hand to the cookie-lover's chin, "A carefree girl younger than I, oh so innocent in the ways of love and relationships. Someone impressionable whom I can sculpt in my image and take under my wing as a student of sorts, and one with whom a relationship with is heavily frowned upon by societal norms due to her being a minor. And what is sweeter than a forbidden fruit?"

"Yang…!" she continued, spinning to point to the boxer, "A powerfully built, boisterous, busty blonde bombshell with a musculature seemingly chiseled out of marble! One whose mind is just as perverted as mine, but utterly without shame, bold enough to taunt and tease, and stubborn enough to never give in and quit. To be with her would be akin to being locked in an eternal battle of dominance, one with an outcome unknowable, one that you don't even know if you want to win at all… And what I wouldn't give to be able to press my face against the warm embrace of her full, voluptuous breasts…"

"Blake…!" she concluded, punctuating her last point with a pirouette, "A quiet bibliophile, seemingly standoffish at first yet hides a kind and caring personality beneath a layer of reservation and polite indifference. She exudes an aura of mystery, countless secrets concealed by the murky depths of the past that could shatter a relationship; she's dangerous and she knows it, she knows how to work it, and the sheer thrill of being with her is beyond description."

"I ask you!" Weiss cried dramatically as if finishing a soliloquy, "How can I remain close with such beauteous goddesses of perfection such as yourselves and remain unsullied?! How can I form relationships with three women, each of whom I want nothing more than to bed once and bed again, and again, and again, and again! How, I ask you! How?!"

With the last of her energy, Weiss slipped to the floor once more, a great weight lifted off her shoulders after confessing her unvirtuous desires. "So... Now you all know how disgusting and lecherous I am, to be thinking of my teammates in such a manner. I don't blame you if you don't want me on the team anymore…"

The three fetishized members of team RWBY stared in silence, before Ruby smiled.

"Nonsense Weiss! You're a perfect fit for my sexual fetishes too!" she admitted.

"Same here!" agreed Yang.

"Ditto," remarked Blake.

Weiss could only look on in shock as her mind processed the words spoken aloud by her teammates. "W-What?!" she cried in hopeful confusion.

Ruby blushed and turned away shyly, activating yet another one of Weiss's secret turn-ons. "Well…you kind of remind of a disciplining teacher scolding a kid for doing something bad. When you get angry, a part of me is afraid, but another part of me gets excited, and really enjoys it when you yell at me. And you're right, I do look up to you! Heck, you're so pretty and smart and perfect I could worship you! So it makes the yelling even better since… since I know you've noticed me…" said Ruby, shyly twisting a foot into the carpet at her confession.

"Yeah!" agreed Yang, "And I really like that cool, almost untouchable vibe you've got going on, like you're a porcelain doll on a pedestal I'm not allowed to play with. Almost like I'm being challenged to just grab it and mess it all up to prove to myself that I can, not that I'd have an easy time of it. Sure, we fight sometimes, but that's our dynamic, you know? Fire and ice, baby, and when we get together, we both get wet!" Yang said with a mischievous wink.

"And as for me," finished Blake, "I look at you and I see a lonely, vulnerable little girl with a myriad of daddy issues for me to exploit," said Blake with the most serene smile she'd ever worn.

Immediately, the room seemed to drop by twenty degrees as the other three just stared at Blake with shock and the stirrings of disgust. For a while, no one was capable of saying anything, before Ruby broke the silence.

"That was cold…"

Next to her, Weiss frowned. "I don't think Blake fits the mold for my sexual fetish anymore…"

Yang's response was silent, and she reached under her bed for something she only pulled out in emergencies.

"Nya!" cried Blake as she was hit with a blast from the spray bottle, and she wiped herself off as she hissed her fury at Yang. "Not cool Yang!"

"Uh, no. What's not cool is what you said about Weiss! I mean really, I thought I'd be the one to bring that up, and only as a bad joke at that! But damn girl, you were serious!"

"She…she's right…" said Weiss behind her, "I've never thought about it before, but…"

"Oh no, Weiss! It's okay Weiss! You're strong! A lot stronger than any daddy issues you might have!" exclaimed Ruby in an attempt to comfort her favorite heiress. Sadly, it didn't work, and Ruby gathered Weiss up in a hug as tears began falling.

"And now you've made her cry! What the heck?!" shouted Yang.

"It's not like this was what I was going for! I can't help my sexual fetishes!" retorted Blake defensively.

"You could have said something not so insulting, like having a hidden emotional fragility or something! How can you read so many books but be so bad at expressing yourself?!"

"It's because she mostly reads trashy romance novels," responded Weiss during a pause in her sniffling.

"There're a lot better than the crap you read!" This just caused Weiss to renew her crying.

"No! Bad Blake!" scolded Yang.

"AH!"

Yang reached over and grabbed Blake by the back of her neck, carrying her over to the door in spite of her flailing. Opening it, she unceremoniously dropped the girl to the ground. To defy stereotyping, she did _not_ land on all fours.

"You're on time out, missy!"

"But Yang-!"

"And you can't come back until you've thought about what you've done! And to make Weiss feel better, we're going to have a threesome!" With that, she slammed the door.

Blake gaped. "No! Yang!" cried Blake, pounding against the door in desperation. "Let me join you! LET ME JOIN YOU!" She was so desperate she resorted to treating the door as her own personal scratching post in an attempt to gain access. It was pathetic and didn't work.

Inside, Yang returned to the other two, Weiss holding Ruby for both physical and emotional support as her tears slowed, the shorter girl cooing sweet and loving words into her ear. "That's a nice offer Yang," she sniffed, "But I don't think I'm up for a threesome right now."

"I know. I just said that to mess with Blake. Hear that scratching on the door? That's her. But don't worry, Princess. I know a perfect way to cheer you up." Yang walked over to Weiss' bed and sat, beckoning the other two over to her. "Come here. You can rest your head in my boobs while Ruby worships you."

"Great idea Yang!" exclaimed Ruby as she dropped to her knees in front of Weiss's parted legs. Instead of doing something perverted, she bowed in worship. "And later," she chirped excitedly between bows, "We can do that scene from the Lion King, where you hold Weiss up and I cheer and then we all break into a musical number!"

Weiss giggled at her partner's silly idea. "I'd like that, Ruby… I'd like that a lot."

And while they didn't have a threesome that night, they still made Weiss feel loved and accepted, and everyone was happy.

Oh yeah, and for anyone that cares, Blake got in trouble with Glynda for being out after curfew. She was forced to scrub the hallways clean with a toothbrush.

 **AN: If you've made it this far, then thank you very, very much for choosing to read a story (or two) written by someone who has admitted to never seeing the source material. And especially thank you to the RWBY writers for all the humorous, romantic, and/or action-packed stories that have inspired me so.**


	3. The Very Best

**Summary: My name is Blake Belladonna. I'm seventeen years old, and I'm going to be the next HuMon Master!**

* * *

"Are you a boy or a girl?"

"…Seriously?"

This was it. This was the day I turned seventeen and finally got my HuMon Trainer's license from the world's most renowned HuMon scholar and researcher, Professor Peter Port. Port was said to be the expert on HuMon, able to tell you everything from their diet and exercise routines to breeding and lineage. He was also a decent folk singer back from his days touring the world as the leading member of _Peter Port and Mary_. Still, looking at him now, I couldn't help but get the feeling he was just a little off his rocker.

"…Can you seriously not tell that I'm a girl?" I asked him, a little peeved. "What with my streaming raven hair, or my feminine looks, or my decently sized chest?"

Port shrugged, and his face scrunched up as he went cross-eyed. I was told he did this rather often. "One can never be too careful, Miss Berryduma-"

"Belladonna."

"Banapuma. Anyways, just fill out this form while I check on the HuMon I have left." He turned to go. "Wahoo!" he shouted, barrel-rolling across the floor into the next room.

…The fuck? This insane moron was the leading expert on HuMon? For a few seconds, I contemplated giving up on my dream and just going back to whatever constituted a normal life for one such as I, but thankfully I decided against it. There was a reason I was becoming a HuMon trainer; there was someone I had to meet, and to do that, I needed to take on the Remnant HuMon League Tournament!

Though I still wonder just what the hell some of the questions on Port's form were for. I can understand things like birthday and blood type, but why did he need to know my preferred brand of toothpaste or my signature attack move? I don't even have a signature attack move! I don't even know what that means! I thought HuMon were supposed to do all the fighting.

…I think I just put down Blake Kick for that one.

Port returned, this time crawling on the floor like a snake, and hissing like one too. I sighed. The longer I remained in this man's presence, the lower my sanity dropped. As he got within lunging range (well, if he were an actual snake), he popped up like bread out of a toaster and held out a single orb.

Oh wow! It was an actual HuMonBall! I loved the black and yellow color scheme. It reminded me of a bumblebee. "It's dangerous to go alone," he said, thrusting the ball into my hands, "Take this!" Then he skipped out of the room giggling madly.

…I guess this was my very first HuMon?

After getting everything together for my journey, I made my way to the outskirts of town before I dared call on my new partner. Not to be rude or anything, but I didn't really know anything about HuMon; for all I know, it could be hostile on sight, and I'd rather not decimate an entire city block on my very first day as a trainer. I tapped the center of the orb, and the HuMonBall expanded to a nice handful. Wait, didn't this violate the law of conservation of mass?

Eh, it looks cool, who cares?

"Alright," I declared, "HuMon go!" I shouted, hurling the ball to the ground. A bright white light filled the air, and soon I was greeted by the sight of the single most buxom blonde I have ever seen in my life.

The blonde HuMon stretched and yawned as I stared, noticing me once its morning wakeup routine was finished. She stepped towards me, slowing as she neared, and I instinctively leaned back as she leaned forward to inspect me. She looked me up and down, appraisingly, then she smiled.

"Yang!" she said… seductively? They can do that?

"Yang!" She dove and wrapped me in an ursa hug, almost crushing my ribs. "Yang, Yang!"

"!"

She licked me! She actually licked me! "Stop licking me!"

The blonde HuMon, Yang I guess, stopped, and suddenly started looking dejected. She…actually whimpered. Well shit, now I feel bad. A sudden beep caught my attention, and I reached into a pocket to pull out the HuMonDex (Dexter, for short) Port gave me earlier.

' _Yang, the brawling HuMon_ ,' it spoke in a synthesized voice, ' _Yang is one of the more powerful of the rather common Fire/Fighting types. Yang is playful and can be mischievous, though is also very loyal and will always defend those it deems worthy. Licking is a sign of Yang's affection_.'

…the fuck? I guess if this meant that Yang liked me, then I shouldn't reject her… "Um… thank you for your… enthusiasm," I said, noting the small smile she flashed. "But maybe let's keep it a bit more restrained when we're on the road?"

She nodded. "Yang!" she agreed.

I smiled. "Well then… Let's go!" I decided, and the two of us set off into the sunset.

At least, we would have, if the sun had been setting. It was only mid-morning…

* * *

"Come on! Just… stay in the damn ball!" I demanded, holding the sphere towards the difficult HuMon.

"Weiss!" snapped the white-haired HuMon, turning away in defiance. I sighed. It seemed like it was determined to hate me.

Yang and I had been travelling for a few days, and although she was good company (when she wasn't licking me at least), I really wanted a second HuMon to round out my roster. After all, trainers are allowed a maximum of three HuMons, so I may as well take full advantage of what I could get. I'd found this one studying in an abandoned library if you can believe it, and I let Yang go wild. …That'd been a few hours ago, and I thought some time in her ball would have warmed her up to me, but it seems like just the opposite. I really didn't want to just let her go; she's the first HuMon I actually caught. That, and her ball had morphed into an alluring dichotomy of black and white; I really loved the monochrome…

I wondered how I could get her to like me… Maybe Dexter would have something to say about her? I pulled out the little device. ' _Weiss, the heiress HuMon_ ,' it said. Heiress? Heiress of what? " _Weiss is one of the rare and coveted Ice/Psychic types. Weiss is arrogant and condescending; truly a challenge to any trainer. But her heart may be melted if one can demonstrate true care and consideration towards her. Glaring is a sign of Weiss's derision_.'

"Gee Dexter, I could have figured that out myself," I muttered under my breath. Was there anything I could use in that blurb? Hmm…

"Hey. Weiss." She spared an annoyed glance to me. "I'm on a mission. A mission to be the very best, like no one ever was."

Weiss raised an eyebrow, her curiosity tingled, but not peaked. I continued. "To do that, I need the best HuMons by my side. To find them, I will travel across the land, searching far and wide. But I think I've already found one of the best: you."

Weiss turned her head to me fully now. "Surely with you on their team, any trainer could become the best, isn't that right?" Weiss slowly nodded. "So join me. Be the best HuMon in all Vale! All Remnant!"

I suddenly felt her glare start to return. Aww! She appeared to be caught!

"Every challenge along the way," I said, taking a stab in the dark. "With courage I will face. I will battle every day, to claim my rightful place." If she wanted me to sell myself to her, then damn would I ham it up! "Come with me, the time is right, there's no better team. Arm in arm we'll win the fight, it's always been our dream!"

Weiss nibbled uncertainly on her lower lip. Aargh! Almost had it!

"It's you and me. I know it's my destiny!" What else could I say?! "Our courage will pull us through. You teach me and I'll teach you!" I tried to give off a self-assured smile. "Gotta win 'em all!"

My face was seemingly plastered in a stupidly smug smile, but on the inside I was sweating bullets. Would I, could I, catch my first HuMon?

"…Weiss," she snapped, her gaze going to the yellow and black orb at my side. Ah. Clearly she still held reservations about my partner.

"Well, she managed to beat you," I pointed out. Weiss glared. "You on an off day, anyways," I added hastily. "That's gotta be worth something, right? Shows her potential?"

Slowly, Weiss nodded, placated. "Weiss," she said proudly, head held high.

Wordlessly I held out the monochrome orb. This time, she didn't resist.

Gotcha! Weiss was caught!

…Again…

. . .

I can't believe that worked. She really is arrogant!

* * *

A low growl emanated from the underbrush, a pair of bright silver eyes piercing the darkness. This was it: the creature that had been stealing all my cookies! I scowled. I really liked those cookies, especially the ones that looked like fish. The thefts had been going on for a while now, but I'd finally managed to corner the little thief at the foot of these mountains. And now, I would get vengeance!

"Go! Weiss!"

The heiress HuMon exploded from her monochromatic orb, standing tall as she looked out over the battlefield with derision. It'd been about a week since she'd joined me willingly, and we'd grown steadily closer over that time. I respected her, and she respected me. And she sometimes respected Yang. Sometimes.

"Weiss," she announced, taunting the as yet unseen opponent.

Silence fell for a few seconds, before all of a sudden, a blur of red charged out of the underbrush and slammed into Weiss, hurling both of them to the ground. "Weiss!" cried the heiress in surprise as she was knocked off her feet.

"What the-?!" I started.

"Ruby!" exclaimed the excited HuMon now hugging her. "Ruby, Ruby, Ruby!" I stood dumbfounded as…Ruby, I guess… nuzzled into the crook of Weiss's neck. "Ruby!"

"W-W-Weiss!" shouted Weiss as her face was overtaken by a deep crimson hue. Normally, I'd order her to do something but it seemed like she was paralyzed.

"Ruby~!" sang the speedy HuMon. Huh. Her hands were running over all sorts of places…

"WEISS!" barked Weiss, glaring at me half pleadingly half demandingly.

"O-Oh! Right!" I stuttered. Um. First, let's see what Dexter has to say; get to know the enemy and what not.

' _Ruby, the little sister HuMon._ ' Little sister?! Where the heck do these descriptions keep coming from?! ' _Ruby is a strange yet swift Flying/Steel type. Ruby is energetic and easily excitable, and greatly enjoys the simple things in life such as cookies and strawberries. Ruby has a tendency to latch onto objects or other beings she feels strong affection for. Hugging, cuddling, and groping are signs of Ruby's affection_.'

Groping, huh? I snuck another look at Weiss. Yeah, that was definitely groping. I wondered if I could use Weiss to convince her to join me…

"Ruby," I started. The red blur paused from molesting the heiress. "You seem to really like Weiss, don't you?"

"Ruby!" she chirped, nodding emphatically.

"I bet you want to be with her for a long time, don't you? Spending days upon days hugging her, and showing her how much you like her?" I goaded. Weiss shot me a nervous look, no doubt wondering where I was going with this.

"Ruby!" nodded Ruby.

"Well… I could make it happen," I offered. Weiss gaped at me, feeling betrayed, but I was more than certain that she'd come to see this as a good thing. Ruby did likewise, but instead of betrayal, there was awe in her eyes. I guess she really wanted Weiss…

"Yes, I can give you the opportunity to be with Weiss all you'd like, so long as you accompanied me." Ruby tilted her head in confusion. "Weiss and Yang are journeying with me to prove ourselves to be the best team ever at the Remnant HuMon League Tournament. We need a good third, and I think you'd be the perfect choice," I said smiling.

"Ruby…" she said, frowning uncertainly.

"It's fine if you don't want to," I told her, "But no matter what you say, Weiss is coming with me, because she wants to prove herself too." Ruby tightened her hold on Weiss and mewled, clearly not wanting to let her go. "So? Whaddya say? For Weiss?"

Ruby bit her lower lip. Then she looked at Weiss. Then she hugged her again, despite Weiss's frown, and smiled. "Ruby!" she exclaimed happily.

I smiled and held out an empty HuMonBall.

Ruby dove into it headfirst, disappearing in a flash of light. When she was gone, I glanced at the ball, now half black half red. "Hmm… Reminds me of a ladybug."

As Weiss picked herself up and straightened her clothes, she glared at me. I shrugged. "What can I say? She works fast."

.

.

.

Omake:

Tired from the day-long training camp we'd just run through, I collapsed on the soft mattress, staring up at the ceiling as I lay still.

"Yang?"

I turned my head to the questioning blonde, smiling gently and patting the bed in invitation.

"Yang!" she cried, throwing herself down next to me, noticeably brushing her chest against my arm.

"Weiss!" "Ruby!" called the other two in envy.

I chuckled. "Yeah, yeah, you two," I said, gesturing them both over.

They did so, and they collapsed atop me and Yang, causing us to reorganize ourselves a bit. I sighed as we finally found ourselves situated, and soon, we all drifted off to sleep.

.

The Next Morning…

"Whose egg is this?!" I screeched as I held up a HuMon egg that was most definitely not on the bed the night before. "WHOSE?!"

Horrifyingly, my three HuMons lifted their arms and pointed directly to me.

I fainted.


	4. Relationship Troubles (3 Shot)

**AN: This oneshot consists of three smaller oneshots.  
**

 **Sister vs. Sister**

"You like the bakery counter girl?!" demanded Yang, scandalized. "I like the bakery counter girl!"

"What?!" yelped Ruby in shock. "No fair! I saw her first by a full day! She's mine!"

"I think not, little sis. As soon as I laid my eyes on her I realized she was meant for me and me alone! I'm not backing down from her!" declared Yang, arms crossed.

"Well neither am I!" shot back Ruby. "She's my future waifu! I can feel it in my soul! So back off and spare yourself the heartbreak!"

"You think you've actually got a shot against me? I think not!" scoffed Yang. "And you know what? To spare you from having to be rejected by her, I'm going to go ask her out right now!"

"Oh yeah? Well so am I!" declared Ruby.

"And how are you gonna get there?" sneered Yang, hopping on Bumblebee. Without another word, she sped off towards the Stardust Bakery where her true love awaited. She felt a little bad about what she just did to Ruby, but hey, all's fair in love and war.

Nonchalantly, Yang glanced back, and her eyes widened to the size of plates as she saw a massive dust storm obscuring the horizon, her little sister pounding the pavement to catch up. From the looks of it, she was succeeding.

Cracking her fingers, Yang gripped the handles even tighter. It was time to push Bumblebee to the max…

Sometime later, Bumblebee sputtered and coughed as she finally reached the bakery, Yang hopping off to run in the door just as Ruby caught up. A strong gust of wind followed in her wake, crashing into Bumblebee and knocking her to the ground. Well, surely Yang could buff out those scratches later, once she reassembled her beloved motorcycle that was now scattered across the parking lot in pieces.

Both sisters burst through the door, shocking the employees as they ran up to the counter girl of their dreams to confess their affections.

"I like you, Blake/Weiss!" they chorused, "Will you go out with me?!" They blinked and looked at each other in confusion. "HUH?!"

Weiss blushed as she savored the embrace of warm hands clasped around hers. "I'd like that," she said softly, "I'd like that a lot."

Blake giggled as she untangled herself from an overdramatic hug-tackle. "My, you sure know how to make a girl feel wanted. I'd be happy to."

Ruby and Yang had no idea how this had happened. Then they managed to get a glance at the work schedule posted on the back wall. "Ohhh…" they chorused. It seems Fridays were the only days where both Weiss and Blake worked the counter together.

That was a rather happy coincidence, now wasn't it?

* * *

 **A New Roommate**

Yang was draped over the couch, phone in hand as she chatted up her little sister on her first time away from home.

"So Ruby," began Yang. "How's the first day of college going for ya?"

"Oh man," came Ruby's excited voice, "Where to start? Campus is great, clubs are fun, classes are cool…" Ruby paused to frown in thought. "The only really bad thing so far is my roommate."

"Ah…" nodded Yang in understanding. "Trouble in paradise?"

"You have no idea!" began Ruby indignantly. "Let me tell you…!" And thus Ruby spent the next four hours complaining about her ice queen of a roommate. "And I swear, she- _bzzt_!" The call suddenly ended when Ruby's phone ran out of battery.

"Huh," said Yang unhelpfully, turning a page in her magazine. "Well, good luck Rubes. Sounds like you'll need it."

The Next Day:

"So Ruby," asked Yang, "How's your bitch of a roommate?"

"Yang! That's not nice!" chastised Ruby. "She's a good person. You shouldn't talk about Weiss like that!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the phone! Just yesterday you went on a rant for hours about how much you hated her and how much she hated you! What happened?!"

"Oh yeah, that," Ruby said, reminiscing. "Yeah, it turns out Weiss and I don't actually hate each other after all. It was just a lot of sexual tension. But don't worry; trust me when I say it's been completely resolved."

"…WHAT?!"

* * *

 **Snowbird? More like No-Bird!**

"Weiss Weiss Weiss Weiss Weiss!" shouted Ruby as she nearly careened into her partner.

Weiss sighed as her afternoon plans went up in smoke. "What is it Ruby?"

"Your sister is dating my uncle!"

"What?!"

"It's true!" persisted Ruby. She turned to her sister, conveniently located right behind her. "Right Yang?"

"Yep," Yang confirmed, "Uncle Qrow has the hots for Icier Queen. Check out these pics I snapped."

Weiss sifted through snapshots of the two, gradually becoming more indignant at the thought of such a relationship. "This is ridiculous! I will not stand for it! I'm going to end this foolishness right now!"

"Let us help, Weiss!" petitioned Ruby, attaching herself to one of Weiss's arms.

Yang nodded. "Yeah, the thought of my uncle and your sister is seriously grossing me out."

"Fine. Where did you last see them?"

"We overheard them saying they were going to grab dinner together at a really fancy restaurant!"

"Very well. Let's go break up a couple."

* * *

 _They go to the restaurant and find Qrow and Winter having dinner. They intend to go barging in and break them up, but they all wuss out and go to the bar next door._

"She actually smiled!" moaned Weiss, "She's never smiled for me! Never!"

"Damn Weiss, I'm sorry to hear that. I don't know how I'd react it was like that with me and Ruby," empathized Yang.

"It's okay Weiss! We'll smile for you! Right Yang?"

"Ack!"

"Ruby, please stop forcing Yang to smile. She looks like she's having a stroke."

"Sorry…"

"It's fine sis... Well, whatever!" declared Yang. "Let's just knock 'em back until we forget all about it! Whaddya say?"

Weiss thought about it. "I suppose we don't have anything urgent tomorrow anyways."

"Yay!" cheered Ruby, "I get to have my first drink with my sister and my partner!"

"Three jaegarbombs please!" called Yang to the bartender. "You can put it on this girl's tab!" she added, pointing to Weiss. "...What, no complaints?"

Weiss leveled her gaze at Yang. "It's worth it."

* * *

The next morning, Weiss awoke in her bed to the warm comfort of Ruby and Yang sandwiching her, the three of them completely naked.

"What the actual fuck?!" she exclaimed quietly.

"Looks pretty obvious from where I'm standing," remarked Blake, a camera in her hands as she snapped a picture.

"Blake! Give me that camera if you want to live!" hissed the heiress.

Blake laughed. "Or else what? You can't do a thing with those two hanging onto you, so I can get all the pictures I want." She snapped another picture.

Weiss growled, but was cut off by a yawn as Yang awoke. "Morning, princess," she said sleepily, kissing her on the cheek.

Then Ruby awoke. "Good morning Weiss," she chirped softly, kissing her on the other cheek.

Weiss's face burned as the sisters snuggled even further into her. "Oh, you two," she sighed. Well, she was rather comfortable, and she could always get Blake back later. Smiling, she sank back into the bed as she inhaled the rich scent of roses and lilies.

Blake snapped another picture.

* * *

Meanwhile…

 _Scene change to Qrow lying on his back, staring up at a white ceiling. Winter is lying next to him doing likewise._

"So, serious question," started the seldom sober scythe sensei. "Are you older than Weiss, or am I a pedophile?"

"Yeah, about that…"

"...Fuck."

 **AN: As you can tell, I was among the few that were very confused (and even a little bit concerned) when the first QrowxWinter fics came out. :D  
**


	5. A Maiden's Woes

**Maiden Prism Power, Make-Up!**

"Welcome, Miss Nikos," greeted Ozpin through his usual mug of coffee as the redheaded champion entered his office. "How may I help you today?"

"Oh I don't need any particular help Professor," she explained. "I just wanted to thank you for giving me the Maiden Power. It's really changed my life! For the better, too!"

Pyrrha smiled as she thought back to last week, when she had completely shattered all of Cardin's ribs after she found him bullying a freshmen team of Faunus. And she had only used one finger! Her smile widened as she recalled how, to add insult to injury - or perhaps more injury to injury, - Nora had immediately stomped up to him and broke both his legs.

Ozpin nodded humbly, satisfied with the results. "I'm glad to hear that, Miss Nikos," he replied. "Would you be willing to share some of the more relevant details?"

"Of course!" Pyrrha exclaimed. "My combat prowess has become significantly higher, my physical strength and stamina have improved, and I've become much more confident in myself." Her eyes lit up and she let out a small gasp as an idea came to her. "In fact, I'm so confident I think I'll confess my feelings to Jaune right now!" she declared, standing. "And then," she continued, "We're going to have mind blowing sex to celebrate!"

"Miss Nikos!" yelped Ozpin before she could leave. "I'm afraid that might not be such a good idea..."

"What?" asked Pyrrha, confused. "Why?" She began sitting again.

"Well... There's something you should know about your new power, and I think it will definitely affect your plans," said Ozpin. "You see, Miss Nikos, there is a reason the Maiden Power is named thus. Only a pure maiden, unsullied by the touch of another, can wield its might."

Pyrrha's jaw dropped. "You mean..."

Ozpin nodded sympathetically. "Yes, that's right. If you wish to continue using this power then you must remain a virgin."

Pyrrha stared off into the distance as the gears within her brain turned. A few seconds later, her eyes refocused. "That's fine," she said. "I can definitely think of a-"

"I'm afraid genderbending Mister Arc would do absolutely nothing in terms of getting around this rule," interrupted Ozpin.

"What?!" squawked Pyrrha as her master plan went up in flames.

"This is an equal opportunity restriction, Miss Nikos. And a woman can take another woman's virginity just as well as a man."

"..." Pyrrha thought some more. "But virginity is just a state of mind!"

"No," rejected Ozpin severely. "Please don't quote old webcomics at me, regardless of how amusing they are." He got a wistful look on his face. "Ah, Leth," he said to nobody in particular, "You and your antics..."

"But...But...!"

Ozpin cleared his throat. "Don't worry, Miss Nikos. You may still relieve your urges yourself using any toys and tools you wish. I realize this isn't quite the same, but I'm afraid you can't have your cake and eat it out too."

"Huh..." Pyrrha thought to herself for a few more seconds. "Wait a minute, if you gave me this power, doesn't that mean...?"

"What can I say?" retorted Ozpin cheekily, "I wanted to get rid of my V-card."

"You!" shouted Pyrrha angrily, pointing at the headmaster with barely contained rage.

"Now now, there is no need for that type of behavior. Especially since you didn't bother reading the fine print on the contract you signed."

Pyrrha sighed as she let her arm go limp. "...Well, will you at least tell me who it was?"

Ozpin smirked. "Let's just say General Ironwood lives up to his name."

"Eww."

"Exactly."

* * *

"So that's how I became a virgin for life," complained Pyrrha miserably as she downed another drink.

"Come on girl, no need to beat yourself up about it!" encouraged Yang with little success. "There are plenty of toys on the market that can scratch an itch! Trust me!"

"For once, you should actually listen to her," interjected Blake. "She's always vocal in her pleasure when I use certain ones on her." Yang swatted her girlfriend who was really not helping.

"Why exactly come to us with this conundrum?" asked Weiss, gingerly nursing a highly sophisticated, highly refined appletini in hand, complete with one of those little drinking umbrellas.

Pyrrha snorted. "Who else can I go to? Ren wouldn't be any help, Nora would make things worse, and Jaune would just be unnecessary temptation."

"You know," thought Ruby aloud before she took a great swig from her tall glass of strawberry milkshake. "I think I know just what you need..."

* * *

"Wow..." sighed Pyrrha contently as she laid back against the bed. "Just... wow. That. Was. Amazing!"

"I am delighted that you approve, Friend-With-Benefit Pyrrha!" chimed Penny.

"I wonder if my Maiden Power still works," mused the maybe-virgin. She held out a finger and tapped the endtable. It shattered into dust. Pyrrha smiled. "Say Penny," she said, "Would you like to go out with me again this Friday night?"

 **AN: Because someone has to ship Penny x Pyrrha, and I had nothing better to do.**


	6. Late Night

**Late Night:**

"Cinder Fall?" asked Glynda, unimpressed at the scantily clad brunette leaning against her doorframe. "Is that supposed to be a stage name?"

"Birth name, actually," replied the raven haired vixen, stretching to accentuate her curves. She smiled radiantly. "Not that I make a habit of giving it out to just any client."

"I'm sure," came the unamused reply. "Would you be so kind to explain just what it is you're doing on my doorstep? Especially since I know for a fact that I never hired you."

Cinder shrugged, completely fine with selling out what she knew about her employer. "This pretty young blonde walked through my front door with a chrome briefcase filled with more lien than either of us make in a decade saying she wanted someone to… _entertain_ you for a night." She winked. "Sexually."

"I understood that part," snapped Glynda. "Continue."

"Well, I wouldn't ask my girls to do anything – or anyone – I wouldn't do, so of course I had to ask for a picture. And when I saw you, I knew I had to have you for myself. So here I am, here to rock you like a hurricane." She hummed ponderously. "Or the world's most powerful vibrator."

The blonde felt her eye twitch. "You're messing with me," she accused.

Cinder laughed, moving her body to transition seamlessly into another sensual pose. "Just a bit," she admitted, "But the core of the story is absolutely true. A girl hired me to fuck you. Hard."

Another eye twitch. "I see."

"So are you going to invite me in? It's getting rather chilly… unless you're into that."

Glynda exhaled slowly, thinking about the stack of essays she'd wanted to have graded before next class. Then she thought about the alluring woman before her. It'd been so long since she'd had a night of passion.

"I haven't eaten yet. Would you care to join me for take-out?" she offered.

"That sounds wonderful," accepted Cinder as she stepped inside. "I've found that pizza is an acceptable pre-orgasm meal."

* * *

"Aw yeah, you go Glynda! Tap that sweet piece! Yeah!" encouraged Yang, leering at her professor's front door through a pair of binoculars.

"You don't even know if this scheme of yours will work," remarked Blake from the driver's seat of her sleek, midnight black car.

"And I would've given up my weekly allowance for nothing," snapped Weiss from the back.

"It's a foolproof plan!" defended Yang. "Glynda lowers her grading standards because of the euphoria of a good lay flooding her system. Thus, my essay score skyrockets to a C!"

"Foolproof my foot," muttered Weiss. Blake only sighed.

"Does anyone else want pizza?" asked Ruby through a mouthful of cheese.

"And why is Ruby here?" inquired Blake. "I'm here because it's my car, and Weiss is here because it was her money, but what about Ruby?"

"Eh, mom and dad are out of town and I had to babysit her."

"You thought a stakeout was an appropriate environment for your younger sister? How utterly neglectful of you!" scolded Weiss.

"Excuse me princess? She's warm, she has food, and she gets to spend time with her favorite sister in the entire world! This is the most fun she's had since this morning!"

"What happened this morning?"

"I took her hunting. Bagged three wolves and a mammoth."

Weiss only facepalmed.

"Hey, what are they doing in there anyway?" asked Ruby innocently.

Silence reigned as the three older girls glared at each other to force the response over to someone else. As she was the one to drag the others into this, and because it was her sister, Yang lost spectacularly. She sighed. In times like this, there was only one thing to do. "They're playing videogames!" she lied.

Big mistake.

"I wanna play too! Can we go and play with them? Please?!" Ruby started bouncing excitedly in her seat, playing hell on the car's suspension.

"No!" cried Yang. Blake quickly made sure the doors were locked just in case.

"AH!" cried Weiss. "Ruby you dolt! You got cheese all over me!"

"I'm sorry Weiss! Let me clean it up!"

"Oh? Princess doesn't like being covered in white sticky stuff?" taunted Yang. Blake swatted at her in disgust. Yang merely grinned, sticking her tongue out.

"Ignore her, Weiss," advised Blake, "I'll punish her for this whole thing later."

"…Stop licking me!"

That was _not_ the response Blake and Yang had been expecting.

"But you taste so good!" moaned Ruby.

The seconds passed as the two in front heard the familiar sound of tongue on skin, coupled with small squeaks of protest from Weiss.

"…Yang? Are you okay?" asked Blake as she noticed Yang's face begin burning red.

"No! Don't lick me there!" cried Weiss in the background.

"Just start driving before I decide to go back there and hurt Weiss."


	7. Future Perfect

**Summary: In the far future, Team RWBY reminisces about their favorite post-volume 3 moments, all the while speaking in overly pretentious accents.**

* * *

"I say," wondered Yang in a posh British accent, bringing a cup of earl grey tea to her lips, "Has it ever occurred to you, my dearest sister, that the world in which we live in is, for all intents and purposes, perfect?" She took a dainty sip.

"Why dear sister Yang," responded Ruby in an equally posh accent as she held a crumpet in her fingers, "What ever do you mean by such a supposition?"

"Allow me to elaborate," said Yang, adjusting the fashionable monocle she wore. "Consider the world around you, and compare your observations with the memories of our youths, where Remnant was plagued with the horrors of the Grimm and racism ran rampant among the kingdoms." She paused to season her cup of tea with a splash of whiskey. "Ah, I myself nearly forgot that antiquated governing system! The sheer barbarism of it all offends my senses into repression!"

Ruby nibbled on her treat, humming considerately as she thought on Yang's words. She placed the crumpet on her plate before replying, her free hand moving to play with the fake moustache adorning her face. "Indeed your words carry much weight, my dear sister. Our early collegiate years were quite tumultuous, and I am pleased that such times are behind us."

"But they too were filled with pleasant memories, were they not? I do wonder, what were some of your most favorite occurrences of those times?" inquired Yang.

"But is that not obvious, my dear sister?" asked Ruby as she accidentally spilled tea on her scarlet tactical corset. "I do believe our triumph over that vile strumpet, Salem, shines most brightly amongst our deeds."

"Quite a memory!" agreed Yang while nodding, "Quite a memory indeed…"

* * *

 **Then:**

Salem and Team RWBY stood among the ashen ruins of a former city, the fading daylight slowly being replaced with the vengeful embers of the fallen innocent. Salem struggled to her feet as she glared up at the four glaring down at her from the maw of the crater she was in. "I will NOT be defeated by four children!" she spat, black blood running down her face.

Ruby's face was set in stone, and her grip on her scythe tightened. "We're not four children," she shot back inspirationally, "We're one team!" She brandished her scythe and the battle reignited, cartoon action lines appearing behind them as they charged. "TITANS! GO!"

Yang was the first to make contact, long hair streaming in the nonexistent wind, the blonde hurling fireballs from her fingertips as her eyes glowed crimson. "Feel the burn, you old hag!" she taunted.

Meanwhile, Blake came up on the opposite side, tendrils of darkness shooting from her sword as she enveloped herself in the coming night. "I don't strike from the shadows," she hissed quietly, "I strike _with_ the shadows!"

Salem dodged the first few balls of fire before one took her in the chest, and she was hurled back only to be stabbed with Blake's tendrils, throwing her to the crater's center. She gasped in pain as manacles of ice encased her wrists and ankles. She screamed wordlessly as her nervous system was suddenly alight with the pain of frostshock.

Weiss stood nearby, poise elegant, rapier pointed at the evil witch as the ice within danced by her command. "The power of ice compels you," she said coolly.

Then it was Ruby's turn, and the leader ran circles around Salem, generating a massive updraft to launch her into the air. Sadly, she didn't get to say anything cool because she was the leader and had leaderly responsibilities. "Blake! Yang!" called Ruby, "You're up!"

The cat and the brawler leapt into position. Yang generated a series of fireballs in a large ring around the witch while Blake hurled a massive spear of shadow and twilight at the perfect tangent. The spear hit one of the balls of fire and curved flawlessly into the others, solidifying the ring of flaming darkness. The ring was spinning now, and Yang and Blake smirked as one.

"Shadowflare!" they called in unison. The ring began closing in on its center spinning with ridiculous speed, before smashing Salem with the full power of light and shadow. The evil witch slammed into the earth with a scream, creating a crater within the crater they were already in.

"Weiss! With me!" exclaimed Ruby.

Weiss assumed a very elegant, and some might even say a maidly, combat stance as walls of knife-shaped icicles formed out of thin air. Ruby sped by, grabbing several before circling around and over Salem, dropping ice knives everywhere she moved. A scant few seconds later and the knives were formed in a beautifully deadly pattern centered on the witch, and Ruby grabbed the last of Weiss's knives. This time, it was Ruby and Weiss that bore sharklike grins on their faces.

"Thousand Knives Restrict!" they chanted as one. The ice knives launched themselves at the helpless witch, smashing into her utterly and relentlessly under Weiss's direction. Ruby continued her haphazard circling, her scythe switched over to fully auto as the last of Weiss's knives shot out of her cannon, aimed at Salem's weakest areas to cripple her fully.

As Salem collapsed, Ruby shouted out again. "Final formation!"

Team RWBY gathered as one, Ruby at the forefront as the other three stood behind her. With the push of a switch, Crescent Rose transformed from rifle mode to cannon mode, and Ruby's teammates began funneling their elemental powers into her, as Crescent Rose began to mold the cruelty of ice, the agony of fire, and the terror of darkness.

Together, Team RWBY commanded: "Elemental Channel: Apocalypse NOW!" The combined blast exploded out of the barrel of Crescent Rose with the impossibility of Ruby's speed, and the mythic blast enveloped Salem entirely as she gave off a final scream.

When the light faded, all that remained of the witch were the pulverized remnants of bone and black blood.

And with the death of the queen, all Grimm received a massive bioshock feedback surge over the synaptic neural net that linked all Grimm to each other. Throughout Remnant, howls of anger and shrieks of intimidation became ones of agony and despair, and as one, the Grimm species went extinct.

* * *

 **Now:**

"...Though I must admit, the lens of my mind's eye seems to be quite rosy at the moment. I may have embellished our deed just a tad," confessed Ruby shamelessly, taking another sip of tea.

Yang gave a polite laugh. "I am certain we handled ourselves with slightly more maturity than your recollection suggests, my dear sister."

"But of course," agreed Ruby, chuckling along.

Just then, the bells chimed the hour and in walked the second half of the foursome.

"Good afternoon my dearest Yang and my darling Ruby," greeted Weiss in a posh British accent as she took a seat around the tea table. As per usual, she positioned herself closest to Ruby.

"Good afternoon my dearest Ruby and my darling Yang," greeted Blake in a posh British accent as she did likewise. As per usual, she positioned herself closest to Yang.

The sisters exchanged their own greetings and pleasantries, each demonstrating their affection for their partner in a manner befitting the etiquette, namely by overlapping their hands with their partner's and giving reassuring squeezes. Such was the extent of public displays of affection in post-Grimm Remnant.

"Do forgive our intrusion," said Weiss as she poured tea for Blake and herself, "Please continue on your current topic of discourse." She handed a tea cup to Blake, who accepted with a gracious nod after a quick adjustment to the top hat she wore over her ears.

"My dear sister and I were ruminating on our perfect world that we live in, and our most treasured memories of how we affected this perfect world," explained Yang.

"I had only just completed a recollection of our duel with Salem," added Ruby, taking another sip of tea. "With only minor embellishment, might I add."

"I believe referring to it as a mere duel would be slightly dishonest," said Blake, "I am quite certain that incident violated all of the ten duel commandments, did it not?" she asked, seasoning her tea with powdered tuna.

"Indeed," remarked Weiss, "Though the affair was quite grisly."

"My darling Weiss," said Ruby, "Might you consider contributing a favored recollection of your own to further our discourse?"

Weiss took a delicate sip of tea as she contemplated. "I believe I shall," she replied. "The memory I favor for its affectation of our present is my seizure of the SDC from the claws of its previous proprietor."

"A good tale, to be sure," supported Blake.

* * *

 **Then:**

This time, her father had gone too far.

For years, Weiss had looked the other way in learned ignorance and apathy for the plight of the Faunus. For years, she had acquiesced to his every demand and desire in the impossible quest to gain his approval. For years, she had accepted all of it, having no idea that this was not how parents were supposed to behave.

But she had eventually learned; her father was an inhumane, inhuman bastard.

And she could tolerate his existence no more.

But what triggered this extreme reaction that could spur such a severe response? She learned her father had fused himself with Dust. Evil Dust, to be precise. Before, she had comforted herself with the knowledge that her father would die, and she would take his place and right the wrongs committed in the Schnee name. But Dust lasted forever, and so would her father.

So when her father had callously and forcefully relocated her against her will after Beacon's destruction, she made her move. She raised an army of sympathizers, rights activists, and others being trampled upon by the Schnee patriarch's SDC. She raised the Rebellion.

And now she stood in her father's office amidst the symphony of battle resounding around them as Rebels fought tooth and nail against the white-armored SDC stormtroopers, her rapier clashing with her father's twisted saber. Truly it was a duel of the fates.

"Weiss," he growled, his heavy breathing labored and wheezing, "I am your father!"

Weiss stared him down, her scar throbbing with the omnipresent feeling of wrongness. He'd given her that scar long ago. "No…" she corrected, "You _were_ my father."

He lunged vengefully at her, a snarl on his lips, but she sidestepped the strike, lashing out and stabbing deep into the spot where his heart should have been. His saber went flying out of his grasp, but the patriarch did not die. He grinned evilly, as he spoke next. "Do you see now, Weiss? This is the power of the dark side of Dust!"

Weiss remained unmoved, and he scowled in frustration. "Why won't you see yet? Or must I convince you further?" He gripped Weiss's swordhand and pulled himself closer, the rapier pushing out through his back as he came close to the former heiress. Still, to his aggravation, she remained unmoved. "Join me, Weiss," he whispered, "Together, we will be unstoppable!"

Weiss's gaze flickered down to her rapier, now buried hilt deep into her father's living, Dust-infused body. Her gaze returned to his face and she gave him his answer.

 _Click!_

The patriarch's eyes widened in horror as Weiss unleashed the last of her dust into a final blast.

 _BOOM!_

He screamed an agonizing howl as his body was blown back against the wall, large portions of his torso and limbs utterly disintegrated by the concentrated explosion of ice. It was as he had told Weiss in her youth: only dust can defeat dust. As he fell to the floor dying, he summoned the strength to look up in terror at Weiss, who remained completely unscathed.

"But...how…?" he croaked out in between mouthfuls of blood.

Weiss looked down at him severely. "Because ice will never harm its queen," she said evenly.

And the patriarch died. As soon as Weiss ascended as head of the SDC, she made sweeping policy changes and ended much of the racism and oppression her predecessor had been so supportive of. At long last, the healing could begin.

* * *

 **Now:**

"My dear Weiss," began Blake, adjusting her monocle after it had nearly fallen into her tea cup, "I believe I must ask, how is it that you and your darling hold precious such contentious memories?"

"Why, my darling Blake," remarked Yang, "Surely it is an illustration that they are meant to be."

"Pardon, dear Yang," spoke Weiss tersely, "I would ask that you avoid such scandalous language in future discourse." Ruby hummed in agreement as she finished a crumpet.

"Of course," agreed Yang, not wanting to overstep conversational boundaries of societal norm. Perhaps the whiskey had been in poor taste. "Perhaps, my darling Blake, you would regale us with your own cherished memory?"

"Indeed," said Blake. "My memory occurs shortly after the events related by dear Weiss. Surely you remember our reunion?"

* * *

 **Then:**

Blake felt very small just then, shrinking into herself as Yang stood before her, arms crossed and glaring very, _very_ , hard at her.

Blake knew it was her fault. After all, she hadn't exactly told anyone about what she was going to do, or mentioned anything about leaving on a personal vendetta. She hadn't even said goodbye. Not even a 'Smell ya later'. Though Blake was very much enjoying smelling Yang right now, even if she was pissed.

Gulping, the cat raised her head and looked deeply into Yang's glowing crimson eye sockets. "...Please hear me out?" she begged, giving her best kicked kitty impression.

"...Five minutes," barked Yang.

Blake sighed in relief that Yang hadn't exploded yet. "Yang, I know I screwed up, and I left you alone when you needed support… But I couldn't just let it end there. I needed to go after Adam."

"Ah yes," deadpanned Yang, "The rampaging psychopath yandere wannabe-prettyboy literally full of bullshit." She spat in distaste. "Your friend is very disarming," she punned bitterly.

Without another word, Blake pulled out a silver platter and lifted the cover, revealing Adam's severed head.

Yang blinked in surprise, and her eyes stopped glowing. "...Well," she said, somewhat mollified, "Look what the cat dragged in."

A small smile appeared on Blake's face. If Yang was making puns without glowy eyes, that was a sign of progress. "If you check a bit closer, you'll find I stuffed his mouth with his own testicles," informed Blake proudly.

Yang blinked. "Did that part happen before, or after he died?"

"Before, of course," answered Blake, and Yang cracked a smile. "This way, it's much easier to avoid the accusations of necrophilia." Yang's smile dropped.

"Why was that a concern?" she asked, as warning bells went off in her head.

The cat blinked. "...No reason," she eventually said.

They stared at each other for several seconds in silence, examining the other. Blake's eyes furrowed as she noticed something. "Hey… what's with the arm?"

* * *

 **Now:**

"Does something ail you, dear Weiss?" asked Blake, reaching for another dusting of powdered tuna.

"No, though I appreciate your concern for my physical wellbeing," replied Weiss. "I was merely taken aback at the relative conciseness of your shared memory."

"My dear Weiss," said Blake, "I am not one for excess verbosity. It is a characteristic I wholeheartedly reserve for my darling, and your darling as well."

"And my dear sister and I cannot adequately convey our gratitude for your generous reservation," said Yang, adding more whiskey to her tea.

"My dear sister speaks naught but the truth," agreed Ruby, delicately moving her monocle from one eye to the other. "And, my dear sister, I believe the obvious course of our discourse lies in your own recounted tale."

"Indeed it does!" agreed Yang. "Though it is quite unusual, my recollection shares an occurrence with my darling Blake's!"

"That was certainly a memory worth continuing," remarked Blake approvingly.

* * *

 **Then:**

"Oh? You mean this?" asked Yang, holding up her right arm. Her right, _human_ arm.

"How the hell did this happen?!" cried Blake, "I saw it get cut off! What happened?!"

Yang chuckled as Blake practically claimed the blonde's right arm as her own, cat ears twitching as she pawed at it, sniffed it, and licked it in various places. "Blake, it's an arm. It's nothing to get so excited over."

"Yes it is!" snapped Blake. "This is 100% genuine Yang Xiao Long right arm! Where did you get this? How did you get this? Can I get one for personal use?"

Yang sweatdropped. Okay, now this was getting weird. "In order… From myself, I grew it, and no."

"You grew it?! How?!" asked a very confused Blake.

"I believe I can answer that question," replied Weiss as she sauntered over. There was a stupidly satisfied smile on her face while Ruby trailed behind her. The same stupidly satisfied smile was on her as well.

"You heard the news of my ascension to SDC CEO, yes?"

"Of course," answered Blake, "Everyone's calling it the most hostile of any hostile takeover in history. What about it?"

Weiss proceeded to share some of the specifics of what her former father had done to cause such drastic measures. "...And though I vanquished the Evil Dust, I made a startling discovery as I was looking through his things. It turns out that my predecessor had unearthed Good Dust as well!"

"Good Dust?" asked Blake, deadpan.

"Hmph. When your company owns the patent for a new type of dust, you may name it whatever you wish!" sniffed Weiss. "But anyway, if one's heart is pure and good, they may use the power of Good Dust for healing and recovery. All it takes is a pinch and a dedicated channeling of one's Aura."

"And thanks to Weiss," finished Yang, "I'm as good as new!"

"Wow…"

"And," piped up Ruby, "We've got more good news!"

Blake blinked. "What could be better than Yang getting her arm back?"

A familiar voice clearing their throat came from behind her.

Blake turned around. "Pyrrha!" she exclaimed, capturing the champion in a friendly hug. "But I thought you died?!"

Pyrrha chuckled and returned the gesture. "Well actually, thanks to the powers of the maiden, I was only _mostly_ dead. I got put into a stasis field so I wouldn't actually die. Then Weiss came along with her Good Dust and here I am!"

"By the way," asked Ruby curiously, "What was being in the stasis field like?"

Pyrrha frowned. "Not fun," she said. "I don't know how long it's actually been, but it felt like 10,000 years have passed…" She hummed in thought. "It probably would have been more bearable if I had a text-to-speech device."

Blake smiled as she released her hold on Pyrrha. "I'm really glad you're back with us."

"But wait, there's more!" exclaimed Ruby in a cheesy announcer's voice.

"Greetings, friend Blake! I am combat ready!"

Yep. Penny was also saved thanks to the miraculous power of the Good Dust. You know, it really makes you wonder why the hell anyone would choose Evil Dust if all it gets them is a sword through the heart…

With the resurrection of the heroes, many wonderful things proceeded to happen. Ren and Nora got married, Jaune came out of the closet, and Pyrrha and Penny started dating. Yang immediately made a pun about that last one, citing Pyrrha's magnetic personality.

And though things would eventually get worse - setting the scene for Team RWBY's fight against Salem - the loveable heroes were happy for a time, and they would emerge from the coming crucible closer than before.

* * *

 **Now:**

"A realization has just come upon me!" exclaimed Yang. She glared accusingly at Weiss. "You have lain with my dear sister out of wedlock!"

"I do believe the period for assuming anger for such a cause has long since departed," said Blake rather reasonably.

"Quite," remarked Weiss, sipping her tea.

"I beseech you, my dear sister, do calm yourself," asked Ruby calmly as her fake moustache fell into her tea. "Dear me, it appears my usual accessory now requires a thorough cleansing."

"Surely you have additional accessories in the event of such an unfortunate occurrence," said Yang, now completely mollified about the issue of her sister's sex life.

"Alas, but none are on hand," lamented Ruby, placing the fake moustache in a pocket for later consideration. "I now feel the regrettable need to retrieve an alternate from my personal armoire."

The bells chimed the hour, and the four members of Team RWBY drained the last of their tea in silent unison.

"Alas, it seems our pleasure here is to be concluded," noted Weiss, placing the tea cup back on the table. "Till our paths cross again," she acknowledged as they all stood.

Yang frowned as she suddenly had the desire to dig up another piece of history. "Before we depart, I must admit a certain disappointment in our neglect of mentioning the myriad of exciting adventures, invigorating occurrences, confounding incidents, and curious happenstances that concluded with our beloved Team RWBY becoming imbued with the maiden powers of Spring, Winter, Autumn, and Summer respectively."

"Would you be willing to offer a brief recollection of these events?" asked Blake, adjusting her top hat.

"Absolutely not," refused Yang.

"Ho ho ho ho," chuckled Blake in a way befitting a sophisticated gentlewoman.

"Ho ho ho ho," chuckled Yang in a way befitting a sophisticated gentlewoman.

"Ho ho ho ho," chuckled Ruby in a way befitting a sophisticated gentlewoman.

"OHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!" cackled Weiss in a way befitting a boisterous, animated Japanese Ojou-sama.

[END]

* * *

 **AN:**

 **For anyone that cares, the governing system of the kingdoms was replaced with the founding of the Remnant Assembly Houses. Also, social norms and practices became quite conservative for no discernible reason, especially concerning the topic of love.**


	8. Ren's Award

Ozpin slurped loudly on the mug of coffee in his hands, waiting patiently as he sat in his oversized chair, passing the time as per usual by watching the paint above the doorframe dry. Several minutes passed in near silence, the only sound coming from the ticking of the clock, before Ozpin slurped on his coffee again. He felt a flash of guilt as he thought back to the pile of work he'd dropped rather ceremonially onto Glynda, before remembering that there was a good reason he had done so.

And just at that very moment, a series of polite knocks came at his office door. "Enter," he commanded wordlessly. The door opened and Ren appeared at the edge of the doorframe, leaning in awkwardly.

"You wanted to see me, sir?" he asked.

"Yes. Please Mr. Ren, come in and have a seat."

Ren blinked. "I don't suppose our business could be conducted like this?" he asked almost hopefully.

Ozpin merely raised an eyebrow.

Ren sighed in resignation as he practically dragged himself into the room, an orange-haired bulk clasped firmly around his waist. He dropped himself into the chair across from the headmaster and Nora plopped herself onto his lap.

"Please excuse her," said Ren, "She wouldn't take no for an answer."

"Oh that's quite alright," said Ozpin through another slurp of coffee. "I fully expected Ms. Valkyrie to accompany you anyway. In fact…" Ozpin reached under his desk and pulled out a tray.

"Pancakes!" exclaimed Nora in excitement as she grabbed a dozen. "And they're in the shape of sloths too!"

"Yes. I had our chefs prepare some in anticipation of this meeting. I realize they may not be up to your standards, but I hope they're sufficient," said Ozpin. "How are they?"

"Could be better," replied Nora through a mouthful of three pancakes. She dunked another four into a vat of syrup Ozpin just happened to have lying around.

"Ah, now that's a shame… But anyway, let's us move on to the reason I summoned you here, yes?"

"That would be appreciated, sir," said Ren as Nora dropped a thick globule of syrup on his pants. In response, he swatted at the girl. He didn't mind being covered in syrup in front of Ozpin, but he did mind Nora trying to clean it up. With her tongue.

Ozpin cleared his throat to try to make his next words sound more dramatic. "It is my honor as Headmaster of Beacon Academy to bestow upon you the illustrious title of 'Most Talented Heterosexual' for your generation! Congratulations!"

"Yaaay!" cheered Nora, throwing around some glitter she just happened to have on her.

Ren's reaction was slightly more subdued. He blinked. "'Most Talented Heterosexual'?" he repeated.

"That's correct. Mr. Ren, you are the single greatest heterosexual hunter to grace our halls in the past ten years!" Ozpin paused for more coffee.

"Didja hear that Ren?! Didja?! Didja?!"

"Yes Nora, I heard it fine. Professor Ozpin, why exactly does this title exist?"

"Isn't it obvious? Homosexuals are inherently predisposed to becoming huntsmen and huntresses, and have ranked among the top tier for the past several centuries," said Ozpin matter-of-factly, as if it were the most obvious thing in the all Remnant. He took a loud slurp of coffee. "Gay people are the best hunters, end of story."

Ren blinked. "…That makes no sense whatsoever."

"Of course it does, Mr. Ren. We have science to prove it."

"…May we see this science?"

Ozpin considered. "…No."

Silence reigned for several long seconds, the only sound coming from Nora slurping down the vat of syrup.

"Out of curiosity," started Ren, "How many other candidates were in the running for 'Most Talented Heterosexual'?"

Ozpin had the good grace to turn away and cough. "Zero," he said.

"What?" deadpanned Ren, "Are you telling me that in this entire academy, I'm the only person who isn't gay?"

"Of course not!" denied Ozpin, "Several of our students and faculty are asexual. As you should know, asexuals make for the second best hunters, consistently filling out the ranks of our second tier. They're only slightly less talented than homosexual hunters yet still significantly more talented than heterosexual hunters."

This time, a vein appeared on Ren's forehead. "So is this award some roundabout way of saying that I'm the worst hunter in all Beacon?"

"Oh of course not!" denied Ozpin, offended. "I assure you, you rank significantly higher than teams CRDL and SSSN combined!" He pulled out a folder. "Feel free to check for yourselves."

Ren and Nora checked. And indeed, Ren was much better than those two teams, and many others. He flashed back briefly to last week when he'd utterly annihilated Team CRDL singlehandedly when they were being assholes. Not only did he not break a sweat, he could have sworn he felt cherry blossoms billowing gently in the breeze behind him as he made his flawless victory pose. Someone had even shouted 'PERFECT!' in a way similar to an announcer for an arena.

"See? Are you satisfied?" asked Ozpin.

"…Wait, so going back to zero other straight people, what about Pyrrha and Jaune? I'm fairly certain they're both straight as arrows." Ren didn't bother asking about Nora. He had known for quite some time that Nora's sexuality was… complicated.

Ozpin shook his head. "Mr. Arc has been riding a pole for far longer than you might think," he said, much to Ren's discomfort and Nora's interest. "As for Miss Nikos, we have confirmed that she is bisexual. As you should know, bisexuals make up our third tier of hunters, only slightly less talented than asexual hunters yet-"

"Still significantly more talented than heterosexual hunters!" finished Nora winningly.

"There you have it," said Ozpin with a satisfied nod. "Ms. Valkyrie seems to understand the relation between hunter talents and hunter sexuality quite well. Perhaps she could give you private tutoring lessons on the subject."

"Ooh! Do ya need lessons on sex, Ren? Do ya? Do ya?!" bounced Nora excitedly.

"How did you confirm any of this?" asked Ren, ignoring his more animated half. "How can you know Jaune is a… pole-rider, or that Pyrrha is allegedly bisexual?"

"Surveillance camera footage," explained Ozpin. He got out a remote. "Would you like to view any of our videos of Jaune participating in an all-male orgy with Team CRDL?"

"NO!/YES!" shouted Ren and Nora simultaneously.

"Very well then," said Ozpin. "I shall instead skip to our evidence of Miss Nikos."

A grainy image appeared on the screen on Ozpin's wall, showing the interior of Team JNPR's dorm room.

"Why do you have this?" asked Ren.

"Shh!" shushed Nora, snacking on popcorn.

The camera focused on Ren and Nora, asleep together in their shared bed. Suddenly, Pyrrha skipped over, kissing both of them on the lips before skipping away.

"Oooh!" said Nora, "That looks hot! Maybe we can turn out relationship into a threesome!" she declared.

Ren frowned. He was not happy that someone, even Pyrrha, would violate the sanctity of his sleep. "We'll talk about it later," he replied.

Nora frowned. "Come on, Ren! Don't you wanna?" She began grinding herself on his lap seductively.

"If the two of you, or potentially the three of you, are going to engage in such activities, I'll have to ask you to do so elsewhere," said Ozpin disapprovingly. After all, such intimate activities were only meant for man and coffee!

"I'll prepare the bed!" cheered Nora as she blasted out of the room, creating a Nora-shaped hole in the door.

Ren sighed as he stood to follow. "Great…"

With the two students gone, Ozpin returned to his important headmaster duties. Silence once again fell upon his office, broken only by the rhythmic ticking of the clock. He raised his coffee mug to his lips and drank deeply. Or rather, he tried to.

"Ah. I'm out…"

* * *

 **AN: In more ways than one, Ren always plays the straight man.**


End file.
